I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
