if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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