the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
