I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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