flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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