you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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