Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
