I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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