If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
