im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There's a naked man in my car right now.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
