He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
