I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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