Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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