You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
