hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
