Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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