some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
