I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
