wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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