DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
