I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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