life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
