Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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