i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
