Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Randomize
