Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
