i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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