I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
whose parrot is this?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
