Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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