and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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