clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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