Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
