I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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