I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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