On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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