then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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