dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
