why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Randomize
