No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
