Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
