oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
