2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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