Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize