i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
