nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
