the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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