ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
