Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
