I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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