even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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