The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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