If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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