she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
