I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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