sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
