Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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