i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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